Blur Recollected

Beginning with a Book

It was a steamy summer day. Yuva signed off from his part time gig at the school library and began walking to the train station to head out home. The campus was almost empty and so was the train station. He checked and realized he missed the last train, and the next one will not be here until another twenty minutes.

Yuva reached out to his backpack, took out the latest book he discovered: "Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand" and began reading it. He was already half way through it and was keen to spend the rest of the day trying to finish reading it.

He noticed two girls approaching the station from a distance but he didn't bother and kept on reading. The Train was here finally, and the girls sat in the seat opposite him. He nodded to one of the girls whom he knew, took his book out and kept reading.  

"Atlas Shrugged, thats my favorite book" someone said. Yuva slid his book down and it was the other girl. He never saw her on the campus before. She was tall and lean, had a boyish hair stlye, wore jeans with sneakers and a boyish wind breaker. She was pretty but he could not help but notice that she almost had a moustache with lots of facial hair, obviously someone who didn't care how she looked or was never taught how to take care of herself.

"How far are you into the book?" she asked and while he was about to reply she went "I would marry howard roark (the hero of the book) in an instant if i ever ran into him in real life". "Too much passion here" Yuva said to himself as he smiled and introduced himself. Her name was Tina and she just moved from another school so she could stay with her cousin.

A few weeks later, Yuva bumped into her again at the 4:30pm train. She sat next to him and began talking about Ayn Rand and the characters in the book. While he found it a little geeky initially, he got pulled into the conversation and both of them almost missed their station while lost in talk. There was something about her that was very original, refreshing, and unorthodox in the way she seemed to see things.

They ran into each other again on a busy train, with the big group of all indian students getting off their classes. She smiled at him from a distance and he acknowledged. As the crowd began to go down the stairs of the station, she pulled onto one side pretending to tie her shoelace. Taking cue, Yuva began to slow down and timed it to walk beside her and start a conversation. This started a series of long walks and wonderful conversations. Tina had such amazing things to talk about from song lyrics to serious philosophy.

Slowly, they began timing their work schedules to catch the 4:30 train when there would be no one with them so they could talk in peace. They would get off unknown stations, stop by a random coffee shop, talk for hours and get home late in the evening. She was much older than him by a few years but it wasn't a big deal to him. But there was a missing element to it all. There were no signs of intimacy or love, the ocassional holding of hands or a hug. Yuva was not new to love and he could tell Tina never had a boyfriend before.

'My brother and i were walking home from school one day. Lightning struck and took my brother away. I woke up a week later to my crying parents', she told yuva one day. 'ever since, there were no signs of effection around the house and they always treated me as a boy' she said. This drew Yuva closer to Tina and he felt responsible to protect her from the elements in a strange way.

It felt like magic every time they met and he would purposefully meet her at a nearby row of homes just to admire her walking from a distance with an ever growing smile on her face as she approached him. There were no traditional dialogues that people in love exchanged, just the implicit admiration and the longing to be together. They would drive away on long drives in rented cars, escape to atlantic city just for the glitter, go to remote places in the city to enjoy the solitude and discover new neighborhoods. Life seemed really good amidst all the misery with being a student having no money in the pocket.

Twists and Turns

It was fall again and the campus was full with all the undergrad students that have come back. Yuva was sitting with Tina at the underground library cafe chatting about something trivial yet very interesting. somehow, every mundane conversation became lively when they met. Probably the after effects of budding love. It was then that Yuva noticed this undergrad girl with sharp eyes and long black hair looking towards them. She seemed surprised and curious to see Tina with him. He spent a lot of time the past few semesters trying to get this abcd girls attention, even timing his job hours at the cafeteria to match hers, only to have few really good chats with her, and managing to get her number. But he was short of resources and could not take it to the next level in time before summer arrived. Yuva smiled at her and she smiled in response, acknowledging the state of affairs, and looking away as though it's not a big deal. Yuva felt a pang of guilt through his nerves for even entertaining thoughts of the other girl in Tina's presence. He was not a player material.If there was a girl in this world that was right for him, he was convinced it was Tina.    

But there was a certain strangeness to it all. Tina was very unconventional and off track in a strange way. At a time when the world seemed to be going at a different pace with yuva's two roomies big into the dating circuit and exploring the new world, she did not fancy public displays of effection or even refer to yuva being her boyfriend. "When we take on roles, we lose our originality" she would say. There was always a quote ready on hand for every occasion and yuva would be left wondering if he was caught on a uptight treadmill."After my brother went away, my parents would only go as far as pat on my back at the most" she said. Yuva began to see and understand this as an after effect of the pain her family may have suffered, and was willing to take on the burden of being an understanding companion.

Tina's cousin never approved Yuva's presence. This was the natural response. The usual issue of a brother hating the guy thats chummy with his sister. Yuva would simply stay poker faced while he was around Tina's cousin who ignored and almost hated him. Tina soon moved out of her cousin's place to live with along with girls from her class. She said she had a hard time getting along with his cousin. "It's too complicated" she said. Yuva assumed she was simply asking for her own space than be overseen by a big brother.

Tina's cousin left for india for a few months for work and his place was available. Tina and Yuva temporarily moved in there, practically living together, taking their story to the next level. Their room-mates almost assumed they went on a vacation. There were all kinds of plans and dreams in Tina's mind. She spoke about moving to New york city after graduation, taking hand glider lessons, getting out there in the open sea on a small boat, both getting their MBAs in a ivy league school, getting a great place to live. It felt like a dream. They were living out the future with all kinds of dreams and plans.  Yuva evan began negotiating the number of kids they should one day have which she found very amusing.

Yuva completed his coursework early on and found a job. There were many demands on him with the new job and he badly missed the days he spent with Tina. He would often escape to the school to meet her for lunch and after work so they could catch up on the time lost. With the new job came money, and they both upped their game. They went to places they could not afford before, eat at fancy restaurants and every weekend was fully spent living it big. Yuva's new affordable hobby of SLR photography took on a single subject: Tina. He shot thousands of her portrait pictures at a time when one had to finish the roll, and develop it to see the results. Tina graduated but needed to be mobile so he took on the onerous task of teaching her driving. After multiple near life misses and one instance of her ploughing the car off the raod into a nearby field, he finally managed to teach her enough to pass her drivers test.

There were no jobs to be had outside and Tina was getting nervous having graduated but not finding a job yet. Tina mentioned that she had a lot on her shoulders with her parents really looking up to her. She started having really bad days when she would have a breakdown of sorts, and stay indoors all day. She got into the habit of asking Yuva take sick leave to either accompany her on such days, or giving her a ride to interviews. There were many such instances and this began to take a toll on Yuva's work  with him missing out on key sessions at work. He once found himself in the middle of a critical day gone from work for hours having been stuck with attending to one of Tina's interviews. This was followed by a warning of sorts from his boss to get more punctual. whether this was the reason or not did not seem clear, but as the company downsized a few months later due to budget reasons, Yuva was out on the road looking for a new job finding himself in the same boat at Tina.

Yuva was fairly composed as he packed his bag and left the work place. He wasn't sure how Tina would take this. But her first response was "Wow! finally, we can spend lots of time together again. we can probably go find a job at the same place together." Yuva was relieved but he could see it was probably all for outward appearances. Tina was clearly having a breakdown of sorts with all this uncertainity. She began asking questions wondering why she bothered to come all the way to study all this just to end up with none of the interviews going anywhere due to visa restrictions. Yuva would do his best to distract her, taking her to the beach often, watching almost every other new movie that showed up, off to music concerts that he was least interested in.

There was a certain gloominess that was closing in on Tina and she was spilling out secrets that surprised Yuva. She said "This cousin of mine has become a bigger headache these days especially since i'm searching for a job". Yuva wasn't really sure what that meant. When he probed, she said "This guy was apparently obsessed with me since he saw me at a wedding many years and gradually schemed to convince my parents to stay with him when i came here". He was thinking "Why would a cousin would be obsessed with her?". Then she spilled out the beans "He is my uncle's son not my cousin brother". although surprised at her never ever mentioning it, Yuva laughs aloud saying "So he's your uncle's son. that explains everything!". Tina responds "Thats why i never tell you everything. everything is a joke to you". Yuva was perplexed that he was somehow part of her blocked list of people who are not supposed to know everything but laughed it off. This explained all the anger and hate from her cousin, no bava, every time he met him. But he could not help but wonder why her parents would agree to have her live in the same house as her bava. Maybe, they were trying to set them up and hoping for automatic chemistry. if they really did that, thats one advanced progressive set of parents. Now he understood why Tina was so keen on leaving a rent free place. Then he was smiling and wondering how that guy would take it if he knew that both of them used his place to live in together for several months.

The Test

"How do i get to baltimore from here?" she asked, totally out of context. Yuva wondered if she made another last minute plan. she went on "there is this guy i met in a chat room several years ago, and we have been in touch. He is in town and he figured baltimore would be a good place to visit". Yuva had a mix of emotions from anger, jealousy, and sheer surprise but keeping his cool, he asked bemusingly "Is it a date?".Tina retored angrily "Are you so close minded that you can't even handle me going out with a friend. I need a break from this daily routine of job searching and the same place around me". Yuva was taken aback. "it's a natural response that can be expected of me" he said. "You may want to be careful, he may be a psycho that collects ears of beautiful girls" yuva said smilingly. "we found out we have common friends, so he's no danger. we are leaving in the morning and will be back later in the evening" she replied. While Yuva dumbed out his response before her, he couldn't but help thinking why she was doing this. At the same time, he was chiding himself for probably getting possessive about her. Being possessive probably doesn't help, he thought. He liked her as she was, and did not want to be in a situation where he was beginning to control what she was doing.

Yuva slept it off but he could not digest it. This just did not seem right. All kinds of questions blazed through his head. "Was she bored with him alredy? If so, there was no indication", " Did he do anything wrong? not that he knew of". Not defining roles was okay but this seemed like it was going too far. He tried to restrain himself but couldn't but help take a look at the guy. He left early to take a peek at them by passing by but it seemed like they had already left. The day felt long. Yuva began getting very busy just to take things off his mind. He went to a museum, walked around city neighborhoods he had never been to just to take things off his mind. He said to himself "I'll stop myself until late in the evening and say hello after the guy leaves". After driving around to kill time, he finally found strength to park near Tina's apartment lying in the car waiting to meet them. He saw them both coming out, him saying something funny while she giggled and saying bye to him as he left in his car.

A side of him wanted to jump out and confront them both, but restrained himself in the interest of keeping his image intact. He waited for a half hour and made it to Tina's place. None of her roomies were home and she was smiling at him as he entered the place. "How was it?" he asked, almost stopping himself from asking "How was the date?". She simply smiled and went about sitting close to him. "You look terrible" she said to which Yuva replied "Yes, it's been a long day". Tina went "I understand how you feel but there was no chemistry between us in case you're worried" laughing while she said it. "This guy is very different in person. It's very likely i won't meet him again. I just needed a day off from all this and he was willing to drive me away so i figured why not" she went. Yuva was very confused about what he had to say. She clutched his hand, drew him close and said with a serious tone: "This doesn't change anything between us". Yuva was relieved that he somehow passed some broad mindedness exam she threw his way.

He stranglely felt like he was living billy joel's lyrics: "And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden. Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding.But she brings out the best and the worst you can be. Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me"      

Bolt out of the blue

Strangely, everything was normal between them again making it slightly interesting in a way. Yuva was assuming that the fact they were able to shrug away that incident without changing anything between them meant they had a stronger bond. Time was passing by with the struggle of finding work dulled out by the joy of each others with Tina's constant plans to be distracted from the routine of dull job searching. There was a slightly older lady in her 30s that was working on a degree that lived nearby, and she began taking an active interest in Tina's plans with Yuva going forward. There were akward questions about what they plan to do next, when they want to get married, and whether their parents know already to which Yuva and Tina would either smile or distract her with another topic. Both did not fancy the way she was probing them but they went about their way. "she thinks too traditionally and is way too uptight. She has no business with what we do", they thought. Infact, Tina felt they should embark on their careers, live in together for a while, and then bring in their families into the equation.

Tina would constantly talk about her parents now saying they missed her very badly and were very worried about her situation. She would stop their conversations midway, drop all work she was doing and head off sharp at 8:30pm to receive their call as soon as they woke up every single day, and would spend time with them talking for hours. Those were days with 75cents a minute international calls, and he couldn't but wonder if it was probably cheapter for them to visit her here than talk to her for hours. Tina would constantly have Yuva scan the best of the pictures he took of her, and send them to her so she could send it to her parents. This continued for several weeks and it appeared that all Tina was doing was connect with her parents to be relieved of her troubles, but not doing much to remedy her situation. She didn't care about attending career fairs as much, and would spend the days reading away fiction books or pulling Yuva on a distracting trip to some place new. It was soon dawning upon Yuva that she was probably keen to escape this situation and was not ready for it.

Yuva was having another typical day balancing his quest to find a job and entertaining or rather catering to her need for distraction. He sensed that she was being extra nice to him that day, and seemed sort of lost being amused at every little thing. "I want to spend as much time as i can with you today", she said. He wasn't sure what to make of it but assumed she was probably feeling anxious about the future and decided to take a long walk with her along the usual row of buildings, the silent long road going besides the graves next to the church, and the often vacant football field. She was talking differently. Tina was recalling their good times together and was beginning to talk about things in the past tense. As they approached her house, she invited him to her apartments. Her roommates were away, and both of them were sitting on the couch. Now, he could really see that Tina was very sad. She has been thinking about something very herd and he could not help but notice that her eyes were red. Yuva asked "is everything okay? Are your parents doing fine?". Now, he could see tears off her eyes. She was not responding and began sobbing continuously. Yuva tried his best to console her but that did not help. He was beginning to wonder if someone in her family had passed away.  

Several minutes later after he made her some coffee, and settled down, she looked him in the eye and said "He is coming tomorrow to visit me and i have decided to get married to him". It was like a flash before his eyes and he could not understand it for a minute. "Wait..who is coming tomorrow again?", Yuva asked confusingly. "We are planning to get engaged next month", she replied. "Who is this guy?" Yuva asked again. "Ravi is coming from boston. He just graduated from harvard", Tina replied as she was continuing to cry. "we plan to move to california after our marriage", she went on. This really drove Yuva crazy. He shouted "Once again. who the hell is this guy? How do you know him?". "Listen! I'm going to get a call from him shortly and i need to plan the day tomorrow. Is the campus diner open tomorrow" she asked. Yuva lost it totally. "are you freaking out of your mind? what are you talking about? How do you know this guy", he asked again. "through a family friend. He is really smart. more than i can aspire for.", she replied. Yuva fell silent to collect his thoughts and compose himself. He dashed out to the balcony into the cold without a jacket but could not feel the cold numbing him as he thought about it. He angrily threw the coffee cup as far as he could see out and went back to the apartment.Yuva was really angry at Tina for having thrown this at him without warning. It was as though the earth opened beneath him. He was not being able to understand why she was doing this. He went in and asked her "what did i do wrong? did i do something bad? What was all that between us? You were the one making plans". Tina wasn't crying anymore and she stood silent not bothering to ask his questions and looking away. After a few minutes he asked "so, you have decided to marry a guy whom you haven't met in person yet. seriously?". She still did not respond. He heard a knock on the door. Her roommates have returned and the last thing he wanted was to make a scene before them. Yuva wished them and exchanged pleasantries as they were teasing them about the two of them all alone in the aparment, and began to leave. He wished Tina bye to which she responded as though nothing happened. Tina's phone rang and she said "I need to take this. Good night!" while closing the door.  

It was a long walk back home for Yuva. Suddenly, he felt like everything collapsed around him. "Why was she doing this?" he asked himself. He could not think of anything that he did that may have prompted her to do this. "How could she be so selfish?". "Why would this girl that he knew and adored so much choose to do something so illogical like this. Of all things, already deciding to marry some guy without even meeting him". Yuva tried calling Tina after he reached home but it kept going to her voice mail. He tried to watch a few movies but every character he saw reminded him of Tina, of old times, the uncertainity of the future.. It felt like he was left stranded in an isolated place and confidence in all things he believed in had left through the backdoor. Yuva headed out to the bar to get drunk and forget all this, but he was still thinking about her all through the evening. He got so drunk that he wasn't sure when the bar closed or how he got home. He woke up at mid-day the next day with a heavy headache. Yuva tried avoiding the clock for all he could think of every time he saw the time was about what Tina and the other guy must be up to. He struggled with it for days, calling Tina every now and then to only see it go to her voice mail. He was avoiding thinking thoughts about her having probably taking him for a ride but kept being optimistic about this probably being some other test she has thrown her way, at the same time pitying himself for demeaning himself so much that he had suddenly become dependent on her for his happiness.

Several days later, Tina called him. "How are you?" she asked and followed it with "Lets meet at the usual place in 10 minutes". Yuva composed his thoughts, and showed up unsure as to where this conversation will go. He decided to be calm headed and not react too much, listening more than talking. Tina appeared very cheerful. Her opening line was "Ravi was amazing". After talking lots of things about him, she continued "They actually have a house with a full time maid. Met his parents, and his brother. we got along very well". Yuva was totally puzzled and not ready for the overdose of information. She then completely confounded him by saying, "I told Ravi about you. told him one of my close friends wasn't talking to me well after i met him. He said your friend probably has other ideas and to not take it too seriously". Yuva responded sarcastically, "Yes, did you also tell him about the relationship you had with this friend of yours for months on end!". "Listen! i don't need this attitude and don't need to listen to this", she casually responded. 

Tina turned the other way and kept walking away. Yuva impulsively went behind her, cornered her again and pleased "Can we please talk in peace!". He felt sick for demeaning himself and bringing himself to such a lowly state where he was actually pleading with her. As they sat down at a park bench, he asked "What about me? What was all that between us?". Tina looked at him coldly in the eye and responded "It's not that i don't love you! I just want ravi more". Yuva could not comprehend what she just said but she kept continuing "Ravi is 27 years old. a more mature version of us. I feel very confident that i will be very happy with him". she kept going "I really enjoyed my time with you, every minute of it. but it's me. My parents have high hopes for me. I have always been very attracted to intelligent men and ravi is probably the best person i had ever come across". Yuva responded "But you just met him once. how does one make a decision like that?". she responded "It doesn't matter. Listen, i need to go! we will talk later!". Tina got up and walked away to her place leaving yuva on the bench totally confounded and lost.

Coincidence and Karma

Yuva went on with his day to day life keeping busy, finding a job, and doing as much as he could to avoid thinking about Tina. Each time he felt himself dragged to the topic with other people, the part that stung the most was when one of those would say 'she was just doing time pass with you'. The more he thought about it, the less sense it made. Every time he thought about it, he would have the uncomfortable feeling of having been used up by someone. All the things he could have done with all that time he spent running behind her. The emotions which bordered on anger, resentment, self criticism and self pity cooled down as time passed by.

A few months had passed and just as he was heading to the library, he came across Tina. Yuva was not sure how to respond and was about to avoid her by walking away from her when she called him by name. Tina walked up to him and said 'Can we please talk'. He was contemplating a rude response but he could not help but say ' are you okay?'. Tina was not as cheerful as he expected her to be.

The engagement did not go through. Worse, the Guy decided to not go forward with it. As he was getting the news, Yuva felt like his revenge was being served on a nice hot dish so much that he couldn't help but laugh at Tina's sad state of affairs. Keeping a straight face, he kept listening and supporting her as Tina told him more and more. 'That idiot, he had the guts to tell me that my family wasn't at the same status as his'. The engagement broke down as soon as their parents met. The america based parents of the guy did not feel that Tina's parents were at the same economic level as them and they decided to not go forward. Worse yet, the guy began convincing tina that he was the oldest and expectations ran high in his family on him getting married to some big shot's daughter. Considering that this was the same reason that Tina gave Yuva for dumping him and choosing the other guy, Yuva could not contain himself. This was karma taking it's course, a soothing balm for all the pain he felt over the past few months, the ball back in Tina's court and hitting her on her face.

All the excitement about this died down soon as he talked more with Tina. He strangely felt sad for her situation. She was very sad about the whole episode and was totally confiding in him. In a unique turn of events, he was consoling her broken heart by hearing her out. But deep inside, he did not feel he could trust her any more after the abrupt way in which she left her by the road. Probably by force of habit, he began attending to her as before. One day while they were driving somewhere, she said "You are far too superior to him in all kinds of ways. I'm sorry for even comparing him to you. He doesn't deserve it'. At that moment yuva completely pardoned tina but things were not the same after the whole episode.

Yuva drove Tina to a different city to live with one of their classmates to get a change of scenery and probably help with her job search. He felt relieved to continue with life without the burden of having her around and was back on track with a new job. Tina would reach out to him from time to time to ask for money when needed, and they would continue to have great conversations on the phone but it was not the same anymore.

Yuva managed to find her a job in a southern city through some of his contacts, and the phone conversations came down to a trickle as soon as she moved. He would only hear from her once in a fortnight and he figured she either found someone new or probably wanted to start on a clean slate which he respected. Very soon, he hardly knew what she was up to or where she was and someone said she moved to yet another job.

As the years went on, Yuva met several people. Some went far, some did not, yet there was a certain sense of detachment in him every time he found anyone interesting. He was at a party one day where after several rounds of drinks, everyone took turns describing the the right woman/man for them.Yuva entertained everyone with a funny description of the kind of a girl that will be right for him.It wasn't until later in the night that it hit him. He was describing Tina. As he thought more, he was sub consciously comparing every single girl he met with Tina. He felt like calling her again but decided not to after realizing his last few calls were not responded to yet.

There was a mad rush around prime brokerage roles in new york city and yuva decided to take a shot at a job interview with an investment bank in the city. He tried this before, but there was just way too much competition and he never made it. After an exhausting interview that seemed destined to be yet another one that won't go nowhere, he got back in the street to meet a friend who worked in the city. After they met, he suggested they walk a few blocks to get some coffee. They got coffee and settled down in the chairs on the early spring day with a slight chill, watching the city go by. 

There were a few girls seated nearby and he sensed he saw someone familiar. After a few sips of coffee, he felt curious to really take a look. There she was, with her long curly hair, laughing heartily, wearing a long red jacket and dark leather boots. She was looking the other way. After debating whether he should, he gave her a call. She checked it, kept it silent and continued chatting. With a mild sense of dejection, and probably carried over by the moment, he texted her "turn towards 3'o' clock'. She checked it, turned towards him and was surprised by seeing him. The surprise soon turned into a a big smile. Yuva felt like the world came to a halt , felt a chill through his spine, and felt like he slipped back several years to the day he first met her.

The Interview

The chances of something like this happening, of meeting a girl you wanted to avoid, and running into her in the middle of a city after deciding to pick a random place to have coffee. These were going on in his mind as Tina left the girls and sat right beside him. After he heard what he was doing here, she said "let me show you the city. stay back today!" to which he replied "yes". She began pacing him through the city while he could not help but keep looking at her. Tina seemed to have a lot of energy about her now, and the city certainly had a big impact on her style. With her red coat, dark trousers and tall boots, she was very stunning. Yuva could not help but naturally flirt with her as he was used to and she was enjoying it. He created space in his elbow and she slide her hand through it as they used to before. She reciprocated his gaze by sliding her finger over her ear to take her hair off, something he used to make her do back in the day. It felt like they were somehow living the dream that they had about moving to the city after graduation. Yuva was completely smitten by her and could not help but take his gaze off her as they ate at a restaurant. One thing he could tell, he never felt so attracted to anyone as he was to tina now. It was like he was a teenager falling in love for the first time. She was now living in the city in a high rise, and living the dream. Tina asked him about the interview and said "I can hook you up at one of the banks. Let me make some calls. I have friends all over the place.". It was hard to leave her at the end of the day and he kept reminding himself to act cool but as he was getting back into his car, he could not help but pass her a subtle air kiss, like the old days, to which she responded by blushing as she used to. It felt like they had just met and had their first date. He knew he was going to be here for good and has come to terms with the girl he wanted all along but never knew it.

"Meet me for lunch at this place. I'm bringing in an ex colleague who has an opening in his team" she called and told him the next day. Yuva dressed up and showed up very eager to meet her. Tina walked in, smiled as she sat next to him and they began talking while they waited for the other friend. After a short while, a Tall handsome guy with long hair, dressed strangely in a slight bit of a wild hotch potch of formals and cowboy boots came to their table. As Tina introduced him to the other guy, Yuva felt like he hit a sudden brake. He couldn't kept thinking "damn, this guy is handsome. what's he doing with Tina". Varun was probably in his late thirties but had a wild demeanor about him. He was straight to the point and talked about an open role in his team to which he would refer him. Yuva could not help but keep thinking during the lunch whether Varun and Tina were dating, and kept looking for signs but there were none. Tina noticed Yuva's change in behavior which was probably evident. After lunch, he walked tina to the train and kept thinking if he should ask her if they were dating, but did not muster the courage. They have been away for too long and it did not seem appropriate. More than that, he was not sure if he could take it if she told him they were. Tina smiled at him, probably read his mind and said "Varun's wife is a doctor. She works in texas and they also have a 6 year old son". "okay" said yuva, appearing to not show it but doing a somersault inside his head. "I'm pretty sure you'll be called for that interview. It will be so good to have you here" she said as she left.

Yuva and Tina caught up on the habit of having long phone conversations and talking about all things over the past few years. Yuva eagerly wanted to move to the city and be with her. After a few days, he received an invite for an interview in the city. He called up Varun about it, and thats when he realized that Varun had a consulting business, and was simply put recruiting him for a position off which he would take a cut. This was in his own team and he seems to have figured out how to game the interview. This was something that yuva loathed about the business, and detested something like this. This seemed like a deal with the devil but yuva was very eager to get a foothold in the city to be close to Tina. Varun had a guest house near the city and he offered to have Yuva stay there while he took the interview. The day before the interview, Varun gave him the address of his guest house, told him where they key was and said he will meet him there. As Yuva reached the place, Tina called him up saying that she will join him there too. "There's plenty of room there and i will probably stay the night.", she said. 

Varun had a swanky setup in the guest house which was a city style townhouse converted to accomodate folks he was recruiting. There was a very big working space which was well furnished with several bedrooms. It seemed lived in by many people with spent up pizza cases, lots of beer in the freezer, and several drawing boards with things written on them. As he waited, Tina called him and told him that "Varun will drive me fom the station". It was very late by the time all three finished a chinese take out dinner. Varun explained that he came here occasionally and business was kind of slow, which explained why there was no one in the guest house. As they finished, Varun showed him to a bedroom where he could stay. This was next to a larger loft bedroom with skylights where Tina was going to stay and she wished him good night while pulling the door closer. Yuva could not help but look forward to varun going off to sleep so he can continue the conversation with tina. After they wished each other good night, Varun simply entered Tina's bedroom and closed the door behind him. Yuva could not believe what he had just seen and felt the whole earth shatter around him. They were having a relationship and this was probably their love nest. Here he was next to a room where Tina and Varun were sleeping together. He could not digest the situation, with far too many conflicting emotions rushing through his head.  He felt very angry with tina putting him in a situation like this. "Why couldn't she have told me this? How could she be so cruel? Did she really expect him to automatically understand? She knew what his intentions were towards her". Yuva could not sleep all night no matter what he did. His head ached with pain and it almost felt like it burned with all thoughts rushing to his head. All along, he could not help but think of what they might be doing in the next room and every time he thought about it, it felt like needles pinching his heart. This was probably why they call it heart break.Yuva felt like running away but could not muster the will to do it, for it seemed like all his energy left him, and he lay like a corpse waiting for sun rise.

Yuva rose up like a zombie as soon as it was dawn, went and fetched breakfast from a bakery nearby. Both Tina and Varun showed out of the room dressed for work, and were pleasantly surprised to see the breakfast he bought for them. Yuva had a blank expression as they ate breakfast next to him. They both casually wished him luck as they left the place. On her way out, Tina stopped to give yuva a smile while pulling her hair around her ear. Yuva realized she was doing it out of habit and there was nothing else to it for he could not tell anymore whether she was flirting with him or not. He kept a blank casual expression as she left saying "lets meet at the city library after your interview". Yuva was in a daze with all that happened, as he dressed up for the interview. He aced the interview given that it was gamed anyway and he knew that he would get the role, all the while pretending to not know varun. After he was done, he walked straight to the city library where Tina showed up smiling casually. Yuva never felt anger of that nature towards tina. He felt like screaming at her but stayed silent, probably because he has been through similar things with her before and did not want to repeat the loop again. They both sat on the steps near the lion statues as she kept going "It has been tough here. I really need your support". "Varun is in the middle of a divorce and he says he is leaving his wife due to me, but i'm not too sure about him yet." Yuva could not believe what she was saying but kept listening. "It's so nice to have you finally have you here. I badly missed you." This was more than he could take, and he abruptly stood up. Tina didn't seem to understand. He gave her an angry demeaning stare and walked into the city while she kept going "where are you going". "Not now. Later!!" he said angrily as he dashed to a nearby train and later drove away from the city.

He began collecting his thoughts for the next few days, not bothering to return any of tina's multiple calls. He received an offer on the interview and this was an opportunity he had been searching for several years. It would give him the transition he needed to get back on his chosen career but it would mean working with varun and within vicinity of tina. This was a time to think dispassionately and make a call.

Yuva really began taking a look at what he had been through. He went through a fit of rage at the way she treated her, and had multiple thoughts of the need to take revenge, some bordering on violence. After he cooled down, He realized that he was suffering on account of having been stuck in a certain moment with tina a long time ago, and allowing himself to be carried forward with that memory. Even if she wasn't doing consciously, Tina was infact looking for something better all along with him as the back up in case her adventure failed. The fact that she was spoiling a man's marriage but still was not sure if it was right seemed to imply that she was not wired to think responsibly. The magic that he saw with her thinking in non traditional ways was not a case of her thinking differently, but failing to think rationally possibly on account of the trauma she faced in the past. He had no responsibility towards her anymore and it was a mistake to continue to associate with her further. The thing that he could not do was give up an opportunity and run away from things. He realized that we are instinctively wired to either run away or attack something if it hurts us, but dealing with something that hurts us was the right thing to do. 

Yuva went back to the city and took his dream job. He met Tina in the city and openly told her that he hated the idea of her ruining someone's marriage for her convenience, to which she took a defensive stance. This gave him a good reason to stop interacting with her and her reciprocating in the same way. Yuva continued to work with Varun keeping it strictly professional. Soon, Varun divorced his wife and married Tina. They were together for a few years, had a very bumpy marriage, had a kid together, and ended up in a bad divorce. This was because Varun found another girl and decided to try a third chance at a new life. Tina ended up being a single mother with shared custody of the child. 


Although Yuva felt sorry for her as he heard about her situation, he continued to not let it bother him for he realized it was never his business to begin with. What people sow, they reap. He was just wading through the cosmos of life like all souls and there was no reason to carry burdens on our shoulders. There are people you meet and want through your life, and there are those that you should not have met in the first place. Yuva went on with his life searching for happiness like everyone else.